I built up this intense hate towards these people that I had been living with, for kicking me out and coming to terms with what happened – I copped the whole spectrum from them and I didn’t know how to cope.
And then my mum died. That was a whole new level of anger, I’ve never experienced anything like it. I was so hurt, I never understood how someone could be so reckless to let two people die. I went through the grieving process of losing mum, as well as my nephew when he passed away from suicide. I always wondered why he would do that when he had people around him, but I think that’s a natural reaction with suicide. When dealing with anything like that it’s a healing process and also about learning to let go of it – that’s a big thing.
My anger made people not want to hang around me, I was always talking about this hate towards this person or that person. I had a youth worker once tell me that I needed to focus on my anger, because every time I used to walk into ‘Open Doors’ in Brisbane, I’d always be talking about how angry I was feeling.
When I get really angry my ears get really hot, my vision goes a bit blurry and I would start becoming disassociated. This is when I would be absolutely fuming and could punch something, but never actually did. I wasn’t ever physically violent towards anyone, I would just say things but not actually do anything.
For me, drugs and alcohol definitely aggravated my anger. I remember one time I had a psychotic break when drinking one night, I had been going through so much and I can’t even remember what happened. It might seem like you’ve got a cool head, but drugs and alcohol definitely make it worse.
I never sought help for my anger, it is just something I learnt through self-control. I learnt about other coping strategies which has evened everything out at the same time. There are a lot of other things that go on with anger – but once you start ironing those things out, other things will iron out with it. To help with my anger I did Muay Thai boxing, and you can’t not get your frustration out while kicking the living daylights out of a boxing bag! I haven’t carried on with that, but now I go and listen to some music or do some drawing and artwork. Finding strategies around anger as early as possible is a good thing.