eheadspace Group Chat
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Group Chat
Improving self esteem
December 2nd 2018 @ 7pm AEDT
If we often see ourselves in a negative way it can cause problems, including low self-esteem. Low self-esteem can occur as part of a current problem (such as depression), or as a result of other problems (such as chronic illness, relationship problems) or it can be a problem in itself. Either way, the good news is that you can take steps towards developing more healthy self-esteem. Take this opportunity to speak anonymously online to our mental health professionals and headspace Youth National Reference Group members to talk about questions, experiences and strategies.
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Clair eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 7:01 pm
Hi everyone and welcome to another group chat. My name is Clair…. Thanks for joining us tonight to talk about self esteem.
Clair eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 7:02 pm
Self esteem is thought of in different ways by different people, but most agree that your self esteem is your opinion of yourself and your abilities. For some their self esteem is high, they feel confident in most situations, and if they don’t, they are able to manage by arming themselves with skills or information that will help then through the situation…. and let’s face it, we all have doubts at some time about our abilities or how well we can manage. For those with low self esteem often feel insecure and unmotivated.
Clair eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 7:02 pm
Our self esteem can be influenced by many things including our personality, how we were raised, the culture we grew up in, our friends and teachers and also situations we’ve had to deal with throughout our life. For instance, someone who has experienced bullying may have low self esteem as a result of being lonely and solvated. Sometimes though, we don’t really know where our self esteem has come from… we just feel like it’s not great and we’d like to do something to improve it. Luckily there are heaps of things you can do to improve your self esteem!
Clair eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 7:03 pm
During this chat will hope to share lots of information, ideas and skills that you will be able to use to better understand and improve your self esteem. Tonight you’re chatting with eheadspace clinicians Rach, Flora and Susan. We are also expecting Kim and May Lyn from our headspace Youth National Reference Group (hY NRG). They will be joining us remotely, so there may be times where there’s a delay in their response. We always enjoy your questions and to see you encouraging and being supportive during these chats – so please feel free to do that tonight too! No question is too silly to ask… chances are, if you are thinking it, someone else is too! You might have ideas that we don’t mention or you may have experienced something similar and you can let us know how you coped with it.
Clair eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 7:03 pm
As usual a couple of things before we start: *When you submit your question it won't appear straight away *Our team will be busy reading and preparing an answer to your question before it's posted live - we appreciate your patience! *If we can't publish anything we'll let you know (in a private message) *It’s really helpful if you can identify yourself with your name, or an alias, as it means we can more easily recognise any follow up comments from you guys and make sure we’re answering the right person *It’s also helpful if you can pop your age in your question, sometimes there are different resources for younger people or different support options available depending on your age
Rachel eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 7:04 pm
Hi guys! My name's Rach, I'm from eheadspace too - looking forward to a great chat tonight on an important topic :)
Flora eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 7:04 pm
Hi my name is Flora, I’m also a clinician with eheadspace, and this is my first group chat, so pretty excited to join in tonight!
May Lyn hY NRG
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:04 pm
Hi everyone, my name is May Lyn and I'm a member of the Youth National Reference Group. Looking forward to all your questions and discussion today! :)
Susan eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 7:04 pm
Hey there my name is Susan I am a clinician here at eheadspace it's great to see so many people on board for our web chat tonight!
Bim
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:04 pm
hello :)
Kimberley hyNRG
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:05 pm
Hi everyone! I'm Kimberley from the headspace youth National Reference Group. Super excited to chat with you all tonight :)
Anonymous 943
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:05 pm
hey
Clair eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 7:06 pm
While you’re starting to think about and send through your questions, I thought it might be helpful to talk a little about self esteem and what we hope to be covering tonight.
Zoe
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:06 pm
Hello!!
Clair eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 7:06 pm
Self-esteem is the way we think about ourselves and the value we place on ourselves. Most of us think badly about ourselves sometimes, but if most of your thoughts about yourself and your abilities are negative, you may have low self-esteem. Other signs that you might have low self esteem include always thinking others are better than you, being critical of yourself, having trouble accepting compliments and feeling sad, depressed, anxious or angry.
Lou
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:06 pm
Hi 👋
Alessia
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:06 pm
Hello :D
Jake
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:06 pm
hey there!
Dom
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:08 pm
sup :P
Bim
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:09 pm
I know my boyfriend treats me badly :( but I just don’t want to leave him. My friends say its because of my low self esteem. I think it is because I really love him. Are they right?
Clair eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 7:09 pm
Hi Bim, It can be a combination of both but I guess it is most important to define for yourself what is acceptable behaviour to accept in a relationship…irrespective of how much you love your partner. Self esteem certainly can have a huge impact on how we value ourselves and what treatment we are prepared to put up with. The fact that your friends are a little worried and have expressed their concern, suggests that maybe you should try to look at your relationship more objectively…they may be wrong but let’s have a look anyway. Love for your partner is amazing but we also need to develop an even stronger love for ourselves and know when it is time to stand up for ourselves and set some limits. This certainly does not mean that you shouldn’t be with your partner…more it means you should set expectations within your relationship which send a message that you deserve to be treated well, valued, appreciated, understood and prioritised. You deserve no less and building this expectation for yourself will only mean that the right person will value you even more. Here is a link that gives a bit of a guide as to Ways that Low Self Esteem Affects Women in Relationships https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/me-we/201312/10-ways-low-self-esteem-affects-women-in-relationships Bim, a great idea can be to write a list of your expectations in a relationship for your best friend or your sister….someone you really care about. Then when you have finished this list compare it to your own relationship and decide whether you really are valuing yourself the way you should. And if not, then it is time to have a clear and assertive conversation with your partner and let them know what your knew limits are…and ACCEPT NO LESS. There is someone out there for everyone that will treat you are way you deserve…INSIST on this kind of respect. And you will actually find that once you start standing up for your own rights and valuing yourself, that you will feel more empowered and better about yourself, even if it is hard sometimes. This is all park of building a strong sense of self. All the Best Bim!
Zoe
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:15 pm
It sucks when you love someone n they treat you bad :( def agree with Clair love is awesome but you gotta be treated alright as well.
Bim
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:10 pm
thanks for the answer Clair... i'll try and step back and be objective... easier said than done but you're right maybe i will ask my sister to help me with the list.
Kimberley hyNRG
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:11 pm
Hi Bim, I'm sorry to hear you are feeling that way, it is never a good thing to be treated badly in a relationship, and there are so many things that can make people feel afraid to leave a relationship. It sounds like you have some supportive friends who are trying to look out for you. Are there specific things they've noticed which makes them, and you, feel like you have low self esteem?
Bim
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:11 pm
Thanks Kimberley my friends don’t like how he sometimes puts me down when they are around and like he’s right sometimes like I do say stuff that is stupid and I probably do get over emotional sometimes… but he does as well and I don’t say mean things to him.
Kimberley hyNRG
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:11 pm
Hi Bim, those definitely sound like some valid things to be worried about. I'm not sure if you or your friends have spoken to your boyfriend about this, but maybe sharing with him some of your concerns can be a great first step. Sometimes people can change for the better when they are aware of what they are doing. In saying that, sometimes they can't, then you might need to have a much more serious talk. My biggest pet peeve is being told that I am being 'emotional,' because emotions are just a rational expression of how we are feeling and it definitely sounds like you have cause to express your feelings to him.
Blake
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:10 pm
It’s all good. Glad I’m here on this. I’m gonna start by saying that recently I’ve had very low self esteem and it’s due to a breakup. It was a long lasting relationship but since the breakup 7 months ago I’ve still felt myself being so low
Blake
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:10 pm
And just feeling really low
Blake
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:10 pm
I’ve also yeah just been feeling low mainly about myself
Rachel eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 8:10 pm
Hi Blake, Thanks so much for sharing with us. That sounds like such a rough thing to be going through – relationship breakups can be so incredibly painful and can definitely impact the way we feel about ourselves. It takes time to heal, but something that is really important is to use this opportunity to focus on YOU. Spend some time with yourself to discover who you are independent of this relationship and rediscover things you liked about yourself prior to this relationship. You might find writing in a journal really therapeutic – try to focus on positive things about yourself to build up your confidence again. https://au.reachout.com/articles/coping-with-a-breakup https://www.heysigmund.com/dear-broken-hearted-one-when-youre-in-the-thick-of-a-break-up/ Nurture your relationship with yourself. Be selfish. Take time to exercise, see friends, meditate, have fun. Think about parts of yourself that might have been neglected in your relationship – what things did you avoid doing – build on these parts of yourself. There were things about you that were beautiful, strong, vibrant and extraordinary before the relationship. Nothing has changed. I know it’s hard to recognise but you are the same great person you were before this relationship – allow yourself time to heal and you will be stronger from this experience
Alessia
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:10 pm
This is only my first chat aha so im a little nervous
Rachel eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 8:10 pm
All good Alessia, this is a safe space ?
Clair eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 8:10 pm
Anonymous 6531
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:10 pm
Yeah Blake! I think a breakup would brake me!
Blake
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:10 pm
Yeah. Thanks. I’ve just felt so low for so long so it’s hard. Like I have tried to do things like to to a big youth group fun day recently. It was to try and get out. And make new friends because I just find it so difficult to put myself out there and it seems awkward when I do try and put myself out there. I did meet a couple of people but they seem ok but I feel like they don’t wanna be around me
Kimberley hyNRG
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:10 pm
Hi Blake, ugh, I feel you. I've been through some tough relationship breakups myself and currently have a friend going through the same. You are not alone in how you feel. The biggests thing I've noticed in my own experiences and in those of others is that it takes time to move forwards. Distracting yourself may sound cliche, but it can be really helpful. I also found writing and shredding letters could be really beneficial, especially in a break up where you may not have had clochure. It may sound silly, but it can give you a chance to vent some feelings you may still have that aren't healthy for you or the other person to share.
Anonymous 7536
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:10 pm
How is negative self talk different to anxiety?
Flora eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 8:10 pm
Hi there Anonymous, I think that is a great question. I think that they can be quite related, in that with anxiety, we are having fears about things that may not have happened yet, which is a negative thought, due to maybe something in the past might have put us off from certain situations, ie we were bullied at school, so now being around groups of people can feel scary. And so we’ve told ourselves a story that is maybe or may not true, like this will happen again if I go back to school. And anxiety can hold us back from doing every day activities, like going to classes or being in public. And can give us unpleasant physical sensations in certain situations, like sweating or feeling panicked. With negative self talk, we also have thoughts and ideas that also perhaps neither true or false, or maybe an exaggeration. Like, “nobody likes me” because we had a fight with someone, or have some negative relationships with some people. So we’re still able to go about or daily activities but our thoughts are not serving us well. But we are still able to go about our daily activities, and may have low mood.
Flora eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 8:10 pm
Here is more information that might be helpful in understanding anxiety and negative self talk. https://www.youthbeyondblue.com/understand-what's-going-on/anxiety https://au.reachout.com/articles/how-to-challenge-negative-thoughts
Clair eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 8:10 pm
Jake
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:10 pm
All my friends are really good at school and I’m barely passing, I legit feel like such a failure compared to them.. btw I'm 14
Clair eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 8:10 pm
Hi there, It sounds like you’re pretty hard on yourself when it comes to school put a lot of pressure on yourself to get the same grades as your friends. It’s something we all do as humans, but comparing is such a dangerous thing to do because there is always going to be someone a little bit better at schoolwork, or sport, or music… The thing is comparing ourselves to others ultimately only leaves us feeling bad about ourselves. If you can try and focus on your own personal goals and achievements. If you’re wanting to try and improve at school perhaps you look into getting a bit more support, like a tutor? We all learn in different ways and some people are just naturally better learners in a traditional ‘school,’ environment, whereas others thrive in a more personal one-on-one setting. It might also be worthwhile spending some time exploring your passions – there will be things that you are naturally great at and enjoy, it’s just a matter of finding out what they are.
Dom
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:10 pm
ugh that's so ralatble Jake I swear
Alessia
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:10 pm
Hey! hey! hey! Jake , u ain't a failure and if u r struggling then u can join some sort of tutoring thing or whatever, there's always help out there. ur not a failure!
Clair eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 8:10 pm
Alessia
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:10 pm
but i relate as well like so much
Jenna
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:09 pm
Are there any mental illnesses that makes low self esteeem more of an issue
Rachel eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 8:09 pm
Hi Jenna, Great question! Having a mental illness can definitely impact on our self-esteem – and different illnesses can affect our self-esteem greatly. Any disorder centered around our body such as eating disorders, body dysmorphic disorders directly affect our self-esteem. That being said though – any mental illness can affect the way we feel about ourselves. The nature of depression causes us to see things through a negative lens – including our self, anxiety can make us paranoid about what others think about us. The important thing is to make sure that you’re taking care of yourself and if you start to notice yourself feeling badly about yourself talk to someone about it – don’t bottle it all up inside
May Lyn hY NRG
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:40 pm
Jake, I completely felt the same way in my high school days! My best friends all got into really impressive degrees (medicine, law) and I was still so lost in terms of my career path. If it helps you feel any better at all, things can change so much post-high school, and you can definitely turn it around! I never, EVER though it would be possible, but I managed to graduate this year with Distinction. Never give up!!
For sure there are so many skills and talents that you can capitalise on, and your day will come.
Jake
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:40 pm
Thanks Alessia, I actually didnt think of tht they have tutoring in the libery at school sometimes I'll check it out :)
May Lyn hY NRG
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:40 pm
Even if it feels like a huge struggle, as long as you keep trying and pushing things will change for the better. I know it's a lot easier said than done, but even if it takes years, looking back, all the effort is worth it
Clair eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 7:40 pm
Blake
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:40 pm
Kimberly. It’s good to know I’m Not alone. But like I feel like I am sometimes though. Family doesn’t help. They’re so negative towards me about all Of this. I am seeing a headspace centre soon as well
Lou
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:12 pm
How do you know if it’s self esteem or an eating disorder? My family say they’re worried that I don’t eat enough and that I need better self esteem. But I worry that I have more than just bad self esteem.
Flora eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 8:12 pm
Hi Lou, thanks for your question. It’s good that your family is letting you know that their concerned, and self-esteem can sometimes affect our behaviour, like eating less if we feeling uncomfortable in our bodies. Eating disorders can arise from self-esteem issues, and not feeling like we have a lot of control in our world. And the low self-esteem can have come up from lots of things, like issues with family, past trauma, etc. It would be good to talk to someone about how you’re feeling, like a counsellor. And also here are some links that might help you figure things out more? https://www.youthbeyondblue.com/understand-what's-going-on/low-self-esteem-and-body-image
Clair eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 8:12 pm
Kimberley hyNRG
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:12 pm
Yeah that definitely makes it hard Blake. I'm sorry your family aren't being the most supportive to you in this time. Seeing your local centre sounds like a great step, and in the meantime, maybe try a new hobby? I focused on learning guitar after my last tough breakup, and it really helped build my self esteem and gave me something else to focus on.
May Lyn hY NRG
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:13 pm
I feel you Blake! My dad is a very traditional South-East Asian father and after my first breakup he essentially blamed me for "getting myself into that situation by dating so young". It was a really, really tough conversation, but telling my parents that I was really hurting (especially since my relationship was abusive as well) and I needed their support and not their judgement and how difficult it was for me to open up to them and wanted them to know what I was going through since it matters to me what they thought was a really important step in getting them to understand. No lie, it's hard, but you just gotta be clear and honest with the kind of support you need from them. At the end of the day, your family loves you and only wants the best, but they don't always know what to do all of the time - they need you to tell them, even if it takes 20 times for the message to get through!
Zoe
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:13 pm
I know I have low self esteem but don’t really know why? But more importantly, what can I do about it? Its really getting me down. Oh, by the way I’m 19.
Clair eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 8:13 pm
Hi Zoe. I’m so sorry that this is how you have been feeling…but the good news is there is a lot that you can do about it. Self-esteem is strongly related to how you view yourself and react to the things that happen in your life. There are many reasons that someone might have strong or fragile self-esteem, mostly steaming from your upbringing and experiences in life. Here is a snap shot of suggestions for building a more solid self-esteem: • Talk kindly to yourself – treat yourself the way you would a friend. Be supportive, understanding, kind and offer forgiveness when things don’t go the way you planned. • Challenge your negative thinking – every time you criticise yourself stop and seek objective proof that what you are suggesting if fair. If you can’t be objective then ask a friend for their honest thoughts. As you begin to do this you will start to see that much of what we say to ourselves is negative and unfounded. • Leave the past in the past – there is a time to deal with feelings, thoughts and experiences of the past. Concentrate on living in the moment rather than continually reliving disappointments and pain of the past. You regain control when you can start to look past those things. • Stop comparing yourself to others – everyone if different & everyone has their own value. Make an effort to accept yourself for all that you are. • Stop worrying about stuff that hasn’t yet happened – most often things will not play out the way you see they might. Accept that you cannot predict the future, nor entirely control it. Stay focused on yourself and manage the here and now. • Notice the positives – stop brushing off compliments, minimising your achievements and ignoring your positive characteristics. • Value your qualities – remind yourself of your good points often. If you struggle to see these qualities then ask a friend to find the words with you. Maybe even write a list and re-read it on a regular basis. • Tell yourself positive things everyday – create a personal positive mantra & use inspirational quotes. Let yourself start to really hear these positive messages. • Assert Yourself – when you feel squashed by other people it can really affect how you feel about yourself. Communicate your needs, wants, feelings, beliefs & opinions in a clear, direct, honest and respectful way. • Keep your body moving…even when you don’t really feel like it. Staying active and regular exercise helps boost goodness in the brain, which helps to keep you feeling good. It doesn’t need to be a lot, just some simple physical activity. • Create joy in your life – just have fun. Plan activities, events and rituals than bring you happiness. Try to include these things on a weekly basis, eg: girls catch up, movie night, family dinner etc. It can take a bit of time and effort to build a healthy positive image of yourself, but if you adopt some small changes and practice these help hints you will be surprised how different you can end up feeling. It is also a great idea to keep a journal to chart how you are feeling about yourself, what steps you are taking to make changes and then “acknowledging” just how much progress you have made. Remember lots of tiny little steps can amount to a long distance.
Clair eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 8:13 pm
Anonymous 6531
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:13 pm
How do you insist on respect without someone saying you’re not worth it and leaving? I’m like Bim my boyfriend is sometimes mean but I feel too scared that he will leave if I ask him to be better?
Kimberley hyNRG
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:13 pm
Hi anonymous 6531, if it helps, my first serious relationship was with someone who didn't treat me too well, and it took me a long time to realise it and act on it because I was afraid of losing him. But now that I'm older, I'm really glad I am no longer with him as I have met someone now who treats me a lot better, and I also had time to learn more about myself. So please don't feel afraid to speak up for what you deserve, because you do deserve it, and if that person won't treat you better, there is always someone else out there who will.
Rachel eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 8:13 pm
Thanks so much for sharing your experience. It sounds like you’re in a difficult situation at the moment – on the one hand wanting to stay in a relationship with someone but not liking how you’re being treated. I get the feeling that you don’t feel secure enough in your relationship to voice your concerns ? … It is really important in any relationship that you feel both respected and supported. You deserve to feel heard. I would take some time to think about what you WILL and WONT stand for in this relationship. Think about what your needs are. This form can help you weigh it up : http://lovegoodbadugly.com/dear-diary-weighing-it-up-2/ http://lovegoodbadugly.com/the-i-in-relationship/ Try and find a calm, quiet place where you can talk to your boyfriend to tell him how you’ve been feeling. Rather than telling him everything he is doing wrong – tell him what you’re needing from the relationship and explore ways you can get this. Here’s some tips on having a difficult conversation: https://au.reachout.com/articles/how-to-have-difficult-conversations Go in there with confidence – you have a right to get your needs met – if he is not able to give you what you need, you need to move on. Remember the first step to getting respect from someone else is by respecting yourself first! Good luck with it ?
Clair eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 8:13 pm
Jenna
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:13 pm
Is being LGBTQ+ increase the risk for low self esteem
Jenna
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:13 pm
My main problem is bottling it up and I do have some mental illnesses which make it a lot harder
Susan eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 8:13 pm
Hello Jenna,
Being LGBTIQ+ can be a risk factor for low self esteem. Not because there is anything wrong with being LGBTIQ+ but more because of the way that some people in society treat people with LGBTIQ+ people. It is important to find people who love you and accept you for who you are. This way you have people around you who remind you that you are good enough just the way that you are. It can sometimes feel like bottling up everything is a good answer because that way you don’t have to face the feelings or deal with what can sometimes be painful emotions. The problem with that though is that the feelings can build and build until they explode which hurts a lot more in the end. It is a good idea to think about things that you could do that allow you to express your emotions in a healthy way. Maybe you like writing or art or sport any of these can work as outlets to express yourself.
Hope this helps Jenna!
Alessia
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:13 pm
One time I was shopping at Cotton: on and I was looking at clothes ofc but i felt like everyone was judging me and thinking I was to ugly to be shopping for super nice clothes and I felt that i was also to ugly to be shopping and wearing nice clothes as well...(im 12)
Alessia
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:13 pm
Hello, I'm only 12 but I've been wanting this really short haircut like a 'boy' for about 4 years now and I am going to get it on the holidays finally but I guess my hair is just like my identity, it's silly I know. Ever since I've wanted my haircut and haven't gotten it I've been feeling bad about my hair then that led onto more things like my lips, nose, face shape & eyes.
Flora eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 8:13 pm
Hi Alessia, it sounds like you’re thinking a lot about your looks and not feeling too good about things. It can be fun to experiment with hair and clothing to try out different looks, but when you start to feel like you aren’t good enough, that is not so fun, and sounds more distressing for you. Sometimes when we spend a lot of on social media comparing ourselves to others and the images that aren’t real and only show people at their best, it can be hard not be feel bad about ourselves. And that can be quite common, especially when we’re still developing too and figuring out who we are. Here is a great link that discusses body image and how to help with accepting ourselves as we are at loving that. Everyone has positive features so it’s best to try to be you, because every else is taken! https://au.reachout.com/identity-and-gender/body-image?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIuu2F5t2A3wIVR4ePCh1ghQCFEAAYASAAEgLnUvD_BwE
Blake
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:13 pm
As a new hobby or strategy had a few ideas like some songwriting for the first time. I used a big whiteboard and I wrote some possible lyrics and I got someone who I knew to play a tune with their guitar but it didn’t feel like the right tune but writing it down and trying to sing it helped a little bit
Alessia
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:13 pm
If anyone is struggling or feeling stressed I would always draw, play ukulele (piano, guitar, etc.) or most of the time i would write a song of what im feeling :)
Clair eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 8:13 pm
Anonymous 6531
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:08 pm
Is perfectionism part of self esteem?
Rachel eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 7:39 pm
Great question! Perfectionism is the yearning to be ‘perfect,’ and when that standard isn’t achieved feeling disappointed or hard on ourselves. It can definitely impact negatively on our self-esteem if we don’t keep an eye on it. Striving for perfection can create a pretty negative inner critic within us. To combat this, that mean voice we have going inside our head needs to be challenged. Instead of thinking "I could be doing more, more more..." you could re-frame your thoughts to be less punishing like "I'm doing a really good job, everyone is happy with my performance, I can put more energy into activities that build me up rather than stress me out and this does not make me a bad person." "What's actually going to happen if I don't do that extra work," what's the real pressure and where is it really coming from. Breaking down the reasons behind why you're so hard on yourself is really important to breaking the cycle of perfectionism. This of course is easier said than done, and is much easier to do in counselling sessions with someone helping you. You can always access a GP through a Headspace centre where they bulk bill. It's handy as they have everything under one roof. In any case check it out; here is a link to your closest centre: https://headspace.org.au/headspace-centres Meditation can be a great way to show compassion to yourself as well as stay present with yourself. I would recommend giving it a go, even 10 minutes a day can make a huge difference to our stress levels. Here are some apps you can try out: https://au.reachout.com/tools-and-apps/stop-breathe-and-think https://au.reachout.com/tools-and-apps/headspace
Lou
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:40 pm
I hate that too Kimberley! I’ve never heard that emotions are rational expressions! Just that they’re irrational. Mind blown!!
Blake
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:41 pm
Alessia, as much as I enjoyed writing down some possible lyrics of just end up In tears because I was so emotionally attatched so to speak
Kimberley hyNRG
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:41 pm
Hey Alessia! I am so excited for you to get this haircut! It sounds like you will absolutely rock it. I have a mental health disorder that can make me feel negatively about my body and have some similar thoughts to you. What helped me was sticking pro self-love quotes up around my mirror and in my room, and doing some exercise that really put me in touch with my body such as yoga. I also really focused on developing and celebrating the things I did like about myself. I also found when talking to others, the things I didn't like about myself where what others loved about me (i.e. my nose). Sometimes when we look in the mirror we wear like the opposite of rose tinted glasses, instead we wear this haze of self-loathing. So anything that changes the narrative of how we view ourselves is great. I hope that helps.
May Lyn hY NRG
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:42 pm
Hi Anonymous 6531, another thing I'd say about perfectionism is if you're at a stage where you're really anxious, tired, and just not thinking straight but keep pushing because you think "it could be better" - it never is because as soon as you're stressed out you're no longer at your best. It's hard to resist the urge sometimes, but at times you just have to let it go and tell yourself you've done enough
Alessia
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:42 pm
Whenever someone on social media or whatever says 'everyone is perfect' or 'your beautiful' in their caption all i think is 'but u haven't even looked at me' and it's true.
Alessia
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:43 pm
Blake, I completely understand that and same here. it helps good
Phire_Pycks1e
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:43 pm
Hi everyone I'm so pleased I got online on time. I always miss these. It would be good to have a link on the homepage to find them easily. I wanted to say thank you because the chat last time about having alcohol safely had some good advice. I wondered if you could help me and tell me an easy way to work on my self esteem. I'm trying to say what I'm thankful for everyday which has helped me be more positive. But I don't think it's making be feel better about myself? Should I try saying what I like about myself everyday? Ps. Your new memes on your Facebook are so funny. Your social team must be new and they're great!
Flora eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 7:43 pm
Hey there Phire_Pycks1e! Thanks for your question and we’re glad you’re here too! It’s good that you are looking for new ideas in improving self-esteem, something that we can all be better with at times. And it sounds like you’re trying some exercises, but it’s not working for you, which means maybe that one isn’t your thing so it’s time to switch things up. Some other things you can try are… Being nice to yourself, or what we like to call self care, so you can do positive self talk, but treating yourself well can speak volumes also. Take time out of have fun, talk to friends and do what makes you happy. But words are also powerful, so maybe you can step back from your thoughts, and make sure what is running through your mind is helpful, and not beating yourself up unfairly. Here is a link that has more ideas! https://au.reachout.com/articles/10-tips-for-improving-your-self-esteem
Alessia
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:45 pm
i meant though aha
Kimberley hyNRG
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:45 pm
I've glad that phrase is meaningful to you Lou ^_^ Emotions can definitely be negative, especially when they are an overreaction to the situation, but they are still rational as they are just a reflection of how we are viewing that situation. So rather than changing the emotion, sometimes we just need to change how we view the situation.
Bim
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:45 pm
You are so right Kimberley I am just a person who feels things its really annoying being told to stop being emotional. I will get my bestfriend to help me talk to him hes a good guy so hopefully he will listen :)
Clair eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 7:46 pm
Ziggy
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:47 pm
I really want to try out for the netball team, but I’m worried I’ll make a fool out of myself – there’s no point in even trying
Rachel eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 7:47 pm
Hi there, Thanks for your comment, it sounds like you’re really keen to join the netball team (which is a brilliant idea!) But you’re being held back by a fear of failure. It’s a really common fear to have and can be motivating to an extent – however when it’s getting in the way of you even trying something new it’s something that needs to be addressed. The first thing to look at would be how you define failure – like success it can be ambiguous to define!! The way around this is to alter your own expectations of what you want to achieve. Instead of setting the standard as playing a perfect game – you could set the standard you want to meet as ‘having a fun time,’ or ‘working together as a team.’ Another thing that would be good to address is how you deal with those consequences should they occur. So let’s say worst case scenario you do something you feel embarrassed about. If you have the confidence to cope with that embarrassment then there is nothing to be afraid of. Things that can help with this are working on your self-image and self-talk, I’ve got a few links here which help with this: https://au.reachout.com/articles/how-to-challenge-negative-thoughts https://au.reachout.com/articles/how-sarah-beat-her-negative-thoughts I really hope you start to feel a bit better soon and join the team!! They’d be lucky to have you ?
Zoe
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:56 pm
Ziggy you should totally go for it. You never know unless you try!
Clair eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 7:56 pm
Alessia
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:56 pm
I luv how everyone here is so kind and supportive!!
Clair eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 7:56 pm
Alessia
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:56 pm
everyone is soooo nice
Clair eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 7:56 pm
We are so glad you've joined us Alessia. Thank you all for supporting one another.
Kimberley hyNRG
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:56 pm
Yay! Glad you made it Phire! Gratitude exercises are amazing, and if you are enjoying doing them, maybe just add a line like "what did I do today for myself," "what is something I like about myself?" and "what is something positive I achieved today?" They also say that stating things like "I look great today" and "I love you" to yourself in the mirror each morning can be amazing for self esteem, as goofy as it sounds ;)
Phire_Pycks1e
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:56 pm
Me too Air Asia!
Phire_Pycks1e
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:56 pm
Lol Alessia your name auto corrected
Anonymous 9473
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:56 pm
I’m a bigger girl and because of this, I struggle with self esteem and confidence. How can I learn to accept my body?
Rachel eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 7:56 pm
Hi there, Thanks for sharing and great question! It can be really difficult in today’s society to learn to love and embrace our bodies when we’re constantly being bombarded by advertising that we need to change / improve. We are constantly being told we’re not good enough so that we buy more things to change the way we look. Whether it be makeup, moisturisers, diet shakes etc… the beauty industry thrives on our own insecurities. The thing is though – being overweight doesn’t mean being unhealthy! There is absolutely nothing wrong with being overweight; you can’t figure out how healthy someone is just by looking at them. There’s a philosophy called Health at Every Size which promotes a focus on personal wellbeing and healthy living rather than a focus on weight. Rather than being critical of everything our body’s aren’t – we should try to focus on everything our bodies are capable of and try to appreciate everything they do for us. This page sums up 6 ways to be more body positive: https://thebutterflyfoundation.org.au/assets/Uploads/ReachOut-Butterfly-6-ways-to-be-body-positive.pdf Here’s a story of someone overcoming their own negative body image: https://au.reachout.com/articles/roxys-story-of-overcoming-negative-body-image You can follow body positive models on social media – and on the flip side unfollow anyone that makes you feel bad about yourself. I really hope you start to feel better soon, and embrace the skin your in ?
Clair eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 7:56 pm
Blake
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:56 pm
Alessia Oh yeah because I’ve been through a lot of crap and as much as that’s hapened I do like to try and support people too
Blake
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:55 pm
I made a page on Instagram to really try and specifically connect with people our age and also to post quotes that I believe are good, and specifically target people our age
Kimberley hyNRG
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:55 pm
Hi Ziggy! I think the fact that you are thinking about trying out for the netball team is commendable for yourself. As an addition to Rachel's great advice, maybe try focusing on viewing your fears as the hurdle to be overcome. As a result, no matter how to do at the tryouts, the outcome is that you tried, and that's amazing. I get really anxious about exercise classes and recently pushed myself to go to one, and it felt really good afterwards knowing I'd overcome the hardest thing which was actually making myself try.
Kimberley hyNRG
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:55 pm
*commendable in itself
Clair eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 7:55 pm
Anonymous 8465
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:55 pm
Hello headspace! you can refer to me as ex625 if you need, my age is 22
Happy to make use of this great resource.
I have a lot of background info i want to talk about but I'm not going to make this too much longer. But long story short, I've been bullied every year and every school i went to since little-kinder. That's a long time. I know I have low self esteem from it all, and it made me deal with depression at an age way too early. I was made to feel deeply ugly in year 7 on wards and that just got worse, so ever since then I can't handle being photographed, and that Really impacts on my friendships, relationships and family life. Too many turn out so unflattering, made worse by a fear of them going on social media, made worse by too many people posting Legitimately Terrible photos when i asked them not to. I know its unfair on my family who want photos of me, they love me. And i know my friends get sick of it anytime they want to do group selfies. But I just, Can't. 99% are unflattering and make me look more ugly than I am. and these days Every one posts Everything to social media especially if its a good shot of them and/or its a group, the one ugly person isn't going to stop them from sharing it. It makes me feel even worse as well because I carried on a love of photography since my friends and i in grade 5 loved taking photos of each other all the time, (it was fine then before self esteem got too bad, and it was always on my camera so i could delete any bad ones). So now I am the photographer of all these naturally Beautiful and Very photogenic friends who wind up Using me for them to have quality IG material, they never hit me up anymore unless its for a photoshoot.
I know the people around me hate my controlling over photo circumstances. Its only OK if its my phone, with stupid snapchat filters changing how i look. And even I'm tired of it. They all stop wanting to be around me. Some days when I look in the mirror i feel fin about myself, but with cameras its different. depth perception and all that technical rubbish.
I hate it. How can I overcome my fear of being photographed ? Every time I look at photos of me from other peoples phones or cameras, I feel such a deep burn depression because I look so awful, and it makes me cry just seeing them. it makes me cry just typing this. I want to be better, i can change basic things but I can't change the things that make me look ugly in pictures. and I feel so stupid when i see other people who aren't as 'attractive' as my friends (that are so full of themselves for being so hot), but these people look so happy and it doesn't stop them from being in pictures or sharing them. Why can't i just lower my standards for myself? I know all the basics of modelling from helping my friends learn how to look more flattering on camera. It doesn't change anything. But I can't handle other people seeing me look so awful.
Rachel eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 7:55 pm
Thanks for sharing all that with us. It sounds like you’ve had a really rough time over the years with bullying and depression and these experiences have compounded your own low self-esteem. I was sorry to hear that you struggle to see the beauty within yourself, especially in photographs – I can imagine in this day and age of social media it would make things very difficult. I would encourage you to talk to someone face to face about this as from what your describing it sounds like your negative view of yourself is really impacting on your happiness and your relationships with others. . I'm wondering if you've ever considered going to a Headspace centre - it really helps to have someone outside your situation who you can process things with and work on positive coping strategies with. Here’s a link to find your closest centre: https://headspace.org.au/headspace-centres In the meantime perhaps you could try doing some homework to try and boost your self-esteem a little bit. I know it’s corny but beauty really does come from within – if you could spend some time reflecting on your good qualities – what drives you – what makes you interesting – what are you passionate about. Loving yourself for who you are inside is the first step to embracing your physical appearance. I really hope you’re able to work through this – you deserve to love the skin you’re in ?
Clair eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 7:55 pm
Lou
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:56 pm
Thankyou flora. I will check it out! Is it normal for my question to stay at the bottom of the chat?
Flora eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 7:56 pm
Thanks for the feedback Lou! And are you having some issues with the webchat?
May Lyn hY NRG
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:56 pm
Some every-day things to remind yourself from @chibirdart!
Lee
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:58 pm
I feel like my mum always puts me down, even when I am trying to do the right thing. I feel like she is really affecting my self esteem and that is having a really bad effect on me. How can I get her to stop?
Rachel eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 7:58 pm
Sorry to hear that you’re not feeling supported at home Lee, and it can be quite distressful when our family only seems to find fault in us. And often we can start to believe what we are hearing, even when we know it’s not true or fair. It might be worth a try to talk to your mum about how you’re feeling, maybe she is unaware of her behaviour and how it’s affecting you. Here is a link that give you some tips on how to talk to parents. https://kidshelpline.com.au/young-adults/issues/talking-your-parents It might be a tricky conversation to have, but it might make you feel better even just expressing those feeling to her, despite what the outcome is, and saying what you’re feeling can help give a boost to your self-esteem. It would also be important to give yourself the care you feel you are not getting from your mum, like thinking about the things your good at, and spending time with other people who do notice you for you who are and your good qualities.
Alessia
Participant
2nd Dec, 7:58 pm
Clair eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 7:59 pm
It's great that you guys are sharing your ideas, but unfortunately we can't post your Instagram details.
May Lyn hY NRG
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:00 pm
Hi ex625, thanks so much for tuning in. I also had a similar issue - and still struggle with it today so you definitely aren't alone. I had/have a lot of cystic acne and always stress so much over any photo situations. I don't know if this will be helpful for you, but I found that doing things like public speaking where I know that I won't be filmed helped me be able to build my confidence juuuust a little, and I'm now ok to be in some family photos. It's a hard process, but keep pushing forward at a pace you're comfortable with!
Alessia
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:00 pm
It's like I listen to music and I'm just in my own space and I want it to be like that forever. I wanna hide away from this cruel world and just listen to music, if that can happen then I'll be happy
May Lyn hY NRG
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:00 pm
Hdu
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:00 pm
Hey guys, recently I was very close with a girl and we we're starting to get intimate. However, I think I am very insecure about myself and get filled with anxiety any time she showed affection to me. I would just retreat into a shell of a human. The girl now doesn't talk to me anymore and thinks i'm scared of a relationship. Any advice?
Flora eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 8:00 pm
Hi Hdu! Sorry to hear things didn’t work out with this girl you were close to. Sometimes our fears and insecurities can get the better of us and get in the way of a good thing. So it’s good that you’re kind of examining what happened and trying to figure out if you have some anxiety around affection. Sometimes people are uncomfortable in situations that they are not used to, like if we grown up in a family that did not use a lot of affection. I think that relationships can be tricky and also each time we learn from our experiences with people, it brings us into a new understanding for next time.
Clair eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 8:00 pm
Blake
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:01 pm
I was going to say the Instagram account name but because of this I can’t.
Ziggy
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:03 pm
thx Zoe you are sooo nice! I think I might try..maybe haha!
Dom
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:03 pm
this is probs a stupid question but idk imma gona ask it anyway wht are the causes of low self esteem?
Clair eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 8:03 pm
Dom this is a great question and something that people are really interested to find out about for themselves and others. There are actually so many varying reasons for people developing a low self-esteem. And often it is a combination of a few things that just start to make a person feel a particular way about themselves. Some of the overview factors effecting self-esteem might include: • Unhappy or traumatic childhood • Highly critical parents or significant adults when growing up • Persistent poor academic performance • Ongoing significant stressful life events such as financial troubles or long term relationship breakdown • Poor treatment or abusive behaviour of a partner, parent, carer, colleague or peers • Chronic medical problems or mental illness • Social isolation & extreme lack of community connection BUT as I have said this really can be changed…just commit to some of the suggested strategies and watch your sense of worth grow.
Flora eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 8:03 pm
Alessia
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:03 pm
'Well life gets hard
for every one of us
well life gets hard
in many situations
when we end our lives
well we try...
all these cuts and bruises will stain our skin
all these words leave scars on our bodies' - it's the chorus to a song I wrote and i hope others can relate to it
Blake
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:04 pm
Yes. I can hugely relate to this Alessia 😊
Susan eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 8:04 pm
Alessia your song lyrics are so beautiful! thank you so much for sharing!
Kimberley hyNRG
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:04 pm
I'm off to make dinner, but thank you everyone for joining the chat tonight and sharing your experiences. It takes a lot of courage to share such personal things. Have a great night everyone!
Alessia
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:05 pm
Ah great, that made my day!
Clair eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 8:05 pm
Thank you so much for joining us tonight to chat about self esteem tonight, we hope you’ve found the session helpful. We really want to acknowledge those of you who have stepped out of your comfort zone to ask questions and share your support. Remember that we all feel down about ourselves sometimes, but if you often feel negatively about yourself and your abilities, you may have low self esteem. Focusing on your strengths, celebrating your achievements, (even the small ones) and challenging your negative thinking can all help with improve this. If you feel as though your self esteem is having a negative impact on you life, it may be worth considering some of the things we’ve talked about and seeking some more support. Hopefully what we’ve talked about tonight, has provided you with some useful information and ideas for improving your self esteem, but if you need more support with your self esteem, it’s a great idea to ask for it! You can chat with your parents, your school/uni counsellors, your GP or eheadspace. If need some support from a private psychologist you can contact your local headspace centre. To find your closest headspace centre you can use this link - https://headspace.org.au/headspace-centres/
Clair eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 8:05 pm
Bim
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:05 pm
thanks guys for the support I have lots to figure out!
Alessia
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:05 pm
Oh u too, gn kimberly!
Rachel eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 8:05 pm
Thanks so much everyone - that was a brilliant chat! You guys are awesome :) Have a great night!
Flora eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 8:05 pm
I really enjoyed the chat everyone, thanks for all the amazing questions and comments!
Zoe
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:06 pm
thanks guys great chat! :)
May Lyn hY NRG
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:06 pm
Thank you so much Alessia!! Those lyrics are amazing
Blake
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:06 pm
Thanks guys for a great chat. I feel a bit more understood which is good
May Lyn hY NRG
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:06 pm
Goodnight all and thank you for the great chat. Take care of yourselves and hope it was helpful!
Clair eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 8:06 pm
Phire_Pycks1e
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:06 pm
TY!
Alessia
Participant
2nd Dec, 8:06 pm
Yup ! ah u guys r amazing!!
Susan eheadspace
Moderator
2nd Dec, 8:06 pm
It was so great to be part of such a supportive chat! You are all so wonderful! goodnight!